Financial Consultant, Trainer and Speaker on Psychology of Money, Financial Counseling for Couples

This month, I invite you to play a little money relationship game with me. Here we go!

 

On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being the greatest intensity) how intimate are you with your money? Write down your intimacy number here ______.  Based on the number you wrote down, how would you describe your relationship with money?

 

If you wrote down a number between 1-3, is your relationship one of discontent, tension, avoidance or conflict. Are you on speaking terms? Are you in the midst of a separation? When is the last time you sat down with your finances and really had a heart to heart talk over lunch or a good cup of coffee and really opened up about what was on your mind? 

 

If you wrote down a number between 4-7, are you on an acquaintance basis flirting with wanting companionship? Do you want more but not quite sure how to go about getting it? Are your desires pulling you into wanting to spend more time together? Do you have a growing interest to bring a better understanding to your relationship? Would you like money to hang in your orbit longer, rather than brief comings and goings? Does your heart yearn for more?

 

If you wrote down a number between 8-10, have you gone all the way with your relationship with money? Have you shared communication between the sheets (balance sheets that is)? Do you daydream about how money can nourish your deepest desires? Does it know what makes you happy? Is your relationship based on trust, respect and conscious communication? 

I think it's safe to say, women and many men, are first and foremost focused on our relationships. Many other parts of our lives take a second place. This being the case, I would hope as a reader of this column you would be interested in actively deepening your relationship with money. This relationship is one of the longest lasting in your life and one that you interact with pretty much each day! With this in mind, following are some suggestions to support you in deepening this relationship. 

 

Know that money is neutral, it's not good or bad, it just is. Sometimes, we live in the blind-spots of unconscious belief and project a story onto "Money," that makes it something it really isn't. 

 

If you feel tension, avoidance or frustration in your relationship with money...find a way (that works for you) to work through it to arrive at a better place. This place would be one of peace, control and an experience of ease. 

 

If you were having chronic negative feelings about a spouse, you would most likely try psychotherapy, read some books and talk with people that have been through what you are going through. The same works in growing your relationship with money. Seek out a coach, read some books and talk with your friends that are in a similar situation as you. Move toward a more positive relationship state with your money!

 

Many of us will go to the farthest degree to understand our partners or children's behavior, even if we disagree with it. By-products of understanding can bring forgiveness and healing. It deepens our relationship with another.

 

Money needs our understanding as well. Any area that we are vague about in our financial life, needs the light of understanding to shine on it for greater learning on our part. Since money doesn't have a verbal voice, we need to initiate ways to better our understanding of it. We need to ask questions to financial professionals until we are sure we have a clear understanding about our finances. Or we can take a class or read books to understand how money works. 

 

We need to understand the ways our money can grow and how to best make that happen. We need to understand the concept of compounding, how to protect assets, as well as ways we can deplete our stores.

 

Just as you reward your partner and children for behaviors you desire, and focus less (so as not to reward) on behaviors that you would like to go away, the same can be true with money.

 

If you focus on all the positive things about money, you will begin to experience more of your focus. Money can support you meeting your basic needs. If you engage in value-based spending, money can nourish your spirit. It can provide you a sense of security in your later years if you save some of it as well. Your choices help determine your internal experience.