LOVING YOUR MONEY SHAME MONSTER

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LOVING YOUR MONEY SHAME MONSTER

 

shame monster copy 2We all have a money shame monster living inside of us. This is the monster that comes out to play when we get triggered about some aspect of our money lives that we prefer stay buried.

While the feeling of money shame is universal, the triggers for each of us are unique. Common triggers are:

Thoughts that compare ourselves in the here and now – to “where we should be in our money lives (and of course comparing ourselves to others)!” These thoughts usually make us feel small.

Thoughts about all the mistakes we made with money + where we would be now if we made different choices.

Feelings of inadequacy, lack of confidence + control with money…believing we “should know” things about money that weren’t taught to us.

Secrets we hold in dark cobwebbed corners (debt, bankruptcy, financial infidelity, under-earning, compulsive spending, being on food stamps, embezzlement are examples) believing if we told anyone about them, we wouldn’t be loved or approved of.

The Money Shame Monster’s job is to fiercely protect us from stepping into financial truth + transparency, for our monster fears it will be too painful to own what is. What this monster doesn’t know is the “truth will liberate us + help us to be more powerful in our lives.”

 

WAYS TO LOVE YOUR MONEY SHAME MONSTER (to death)

1. GET OUT YOUR FLASHLIGHT

Shine light into the dark corners of your money life. If it is uncomfortable for you to share what’s in those dark corners right now with others, be willing to tell yourself the truth + own your past. Rewrite your money story, it’s your pen + paper + story after all! This way, you begin to create a shift where you step into owning your past + it no longer owning you. And, your Money Shame Monster is light sensitive!

 

2. INFUSE INTRAVENOUS BAGS OF LOVE + COMPASSION INTO THE CELLS OF YOUR BEING

Feelings of shame activate stress hormones of cortisol + adrenaline. Feelings of Love + Compassion toward ourselves, activate hormones of oxytocin + dopamine. Love + compassion are anesthesia to the Money Shame Monster and gently allows our monster to sleep.

 

3. LIVE MORE MOMENTS IN A STATE OF GRATITUDE

When we appreciate + feel thanks in our hearts for the beauty, abundance and blessings that already exist in our lives, we are living in a space of light. We cannot live in this space at the same time we are living in darkness + negativity. Living more moments in the light of gratitude, will create a shift in your spirit over time. You might feel “lighter” and “more buoyant!”

 

4. FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR PAST MONEY MISTAKES

Bring the energy of forgiveness to your money life. Forgive yourself for all the things you did that brought you pain, regrets, shame + feelings of being less than. Sometimes, we judge ourselves harder than anyone else can judge us.  Let go of judgement, “should-a, would-a, could-a’s” and love yourself for who you are and who you are becoming. I have a statue of Quan-Yin in my office to help me remember to have compassion with myself.  I think the best lessons + learning come from things in our lives that didn’t go so well.

I find the best way to un-shame ourselves is to love ourselves fully…for who we were + what we did…for who we are now…and for who we are becoming!

WHAT’S YOUR MONEY STORY

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WHAT’S YOUR MONEY STORY?

 

typewriterWe all have a money story that lives inside of us. If you aren’t sure of the money story inside of you, begin to notice what you tell yourself to be true about you + money in your life. Noticing your thoughts will clue you in to some of the beliefs you are holding to be true.

For example, some common money stories I hear when I first begin to work with clients are:

HAVING MONEY WILL CHANGE ME TO DARTH VADER

I NEVER HAVE ENOUGH MONEY

I NEED TO MARRY RICH TO HAVE MONEY

I’VE GOTTA WORK HARD TO EARN MONEY

I WILL LOSE THOSE I LOVE IF I AM RICH

You get the idea. So, here’s the thing. We all have a money story from our past + we just need to decide if we are going to carry it forward or to write a new story. Stories from our past are hand-me-down stories. They are stories we’ve been told, or experienced with the innocence of childhood eyes and ears, that we later internalized and now live out. You can tell if you are living out an old story from your past if:

  • you have the experience of “not enough” in your life
  • you live paycheck to paycheck without a safety net to fall back on
  • you feel “ick” about money, fear it, or don’t welcome it to be in the same room with you
  • you have repeated patterns with money that keep happening in your life (feast or famine, having + not having, in + out of debt over + over again, same old arguments)
  • one of your biggest fears is not having any money

I carried the story for years of  THERE’S NOT ENOUGH FOR ME, and re-created this story over + over again in my life…until the pain of it broke me open…and I surrendered…as did my husband…and we asked for help…so we could begin to create a story based in consciousness, with intention, a story that we would re-write together. It’s taken time to re-write our individual and our collective story. You can begin to do the same for yourself.

What MONEY STORY would you like to be true for yourself? Lets start there. Create your title. How about something like:

ENOUGH NOW & FOREVER MORE

I GOT MONEY HARMONY GOING ON HERE

SHARING MY OVERFLOWING BLESSINGS

Now lets take a look at your money behaviors. What behaviors need to be in place for you to begin to live your new money story? What thoughts would a person have who is living your new story? What actions would a person take who is living your new story?

The gift of a New Year is the opening into a new beginning, a fresh start. What intentions do you have for you + money this year? If you need some help in doing this exercise, I encourage you to purchase my book, EARN SAVE SPEND GIVE  4 things to do with your money and how to make it all work. There is an entire chapter on you + money that will fully support you in re-writing your money story!

 

 

4 BIG REASONS TO CULTIVATE MONEY MINDFULNESS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

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MONEY MINDFULNESS

& THE HOLIDAYS

 

 The practice of mindfulness is about getting out of our head (where mind chatter lives) and dropping into our body, while having sensory awareness of what is going on inside of us. It is in part being an observer of ourselves. In this place of observation, we notice our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations.

By using the breath (a few deep inhales and exhales), as a tool to relax into our body and become more aware, our mind chatter has less influence over us…because we are noticing the chatter rather than reacting to it. This simple act of dropping into bodily awareness has the ability to change the chemicals circulating in our bodies (reducing the stress hormones of adrenaline and cortisol), which in turn, helps change our perceptions and how we view life happenings.

For example, the act of noticing the present moment through our senses, slows down our perception of time. Slowing down time, opens us to an inner stillness and it is in this space of inner stillness, where creativity can come forth. Why is this helpful in a season of bustling busyness? Because we can create our own inner calm regardless of what is going on around us. We can see new options and solutions to perceived concerns. We can re-frame in this space. It is a space where we can regulate our emotions, which is very important during this holiday season.

 

So, why apply the concept of mindfulness to our money lives? Because we get MORE:

 JOY

Mindfulness can take us out of a “wanting state of mind,” and transport us to a “gratitude state of mind.” This shift can help us experience a feeling of “enough” in our lives. When we are fulfilled from the inside out, we spend less. We also experience more joy in this space!

 

PEACE & CALM

Mindfulness can get you in touch with your true needs this holiday season, which may be to relax more and decorate less (just projecting out my own stuff here)!

 

HONORING OF SPENDING INTENTIONS

Better decisions come from a place of mindfulness. With a few deep breaths, bringing us into increased self awareness, we may notice the inner chatter going on in our heads about holiday shopping. Rather than our inner chatter ruling our spending decisions, we can recalibrate, breath, and stay focused on the spending plan we have created for ourselves rather than doing emotional  or impulsive spending.

 

CREATIVE SOLUTIONS (based in loving kindness to yourself and your bank account)

What if you are in a bit of a money pickle this holiday season, possibly recovering from some unexpected expenses, stressed about not having enough money for gift giving. Dropping into mindfulness can help you access your creativity, which can support you giving in a way that feels right to your bank account and honoring of your current situation.

 

IMAGINE staying centered, grounded, calm, emotionally regulated, and connected to what is most important to you this holiday season…rather than being in a space of reacting to the busyness, bustling, shop til you drop exhaustion, and trying to create a holiday season of perfection!

 

 

 

 

HOW TO “TONE DOWN” MONEY CONVERSATIONS

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HOW TO “TONE DOWN” MONEY CONVERSATIONS

 

chickenHiResI work with a lot of couples, helping them navigate the waters of money, marriage, and the mix of ours and mine. A large piece of our work together is getting both partners on the same financial page, with a united vision for how they want to move forward. This is the easy part.

The more challenging part has to do with the “stuff” (we all have our stuff) that comes up between couples that side tracks them from staying on track with their united vision. One of the pieces of stuff that comes up that needs to be addressed is TONE. Voice tone that is! It is one of the biggest “blind spots” couples live in…which is how they are coming across to one another…how what they say verbally might not be matching what they are saying with their body language (which voice tone is a part of) and we all know the body is the truth teller of how we feel, right?

Tone can create connection or derail a conversation in seconds. My husband and I know this firsthand! It took us weeks and months of practice before we came to our money meetings relaxed and left relaxed. It is the same for many of my clients.

Talking about money is stressful when there is a dance of snarling, blaming, projection, activation of unconscious emotional triggers and looping communication dances (the ones that go round and round and never end with a good result) that live in the problem instead of the solution. Whew!

 

HOW TO TONE DOWN FOR INCREASED CONNECTION 

Here are some pointers my husband and I practice to keep our TONE OF VOICE in check, so we BOTH experience money meetings that are fun and productive!

(1) Speak without constricting your voice. Constriction can occur when we are in an agitated or frustrated feeling state. If you feel agitated, take deep breaths to relax yourself.

  • Practice a deeper pitch to your voice (that sexy deep voice pitch), slow your pace, take pauses, breathe, breathe again
  • Think about what a “friendly tone” sounds like to you and practice that tone in your money meetings
  • Soften your voice volume
  • Relax your upper body…this will make your voice sound more gentle and pleasant. Do shoulder rolls, neck rotations and allow your belly to soften

(2) Smile at your partner rather than remaining tensed up in the jaw area

(3) Drink water to keep your throat area hydrated and to flush through feelings

(4) Be mindful of the words you place emphasis on…for example:

  • “What do you see as a solution to help us stay on track this month?”
  • “What do you see as a solution to help us stay on track this month?”

(5) Get out of “parent | child” communication dynamics and shift to an “adult | adult” communication dynamic. Check out this article to better help you with this shift.

(6) Record yourself with your smart phone and listen to how you sound. Honestly evaluate yourself. Do you sound bossy? Critical? Loving? Friendly?

(7) Attitude comes out in voice tone. Do a body check and feeling check. If you feel defended and upset, take deep breaths until you create a more positive feeling state in your body. Taking deep breaths brings more oxygen to our cells and helps decrease the stress hormone of cortisol in our bodies.

(8) Gather your breath from your belly area before you speak rather than from your throat or nasal cavity.

 

What other ideas do you have on how to be in check with your TONE! It really does matter!

TRACKING: A VISUAL TRUTH TELLING TOOL

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TRACKING: A VISUAL TRUTH TELLING TOOL

 

 

trackI am asking for a virtual hand raise right now. Raise your hand if you know how much you weigh. Keep your hand raised if you know your shoe size. Keep that hand up strong if you know the size of your jeans. OK, keep that hand up if you know your cholesterol number. And, wave those hands all over the place if you know the money available to you in your checking account. Wave hands like crazy if you know the number of money you need to earn each month to make your life work! I often do this exercise in groups where I am a guest speaker and hands start to go down around the cholesterol number and hardly any hands are left waving when I ask about the available balances in bank accounts.

An area of opportunity for all of us, especially women, is to know our numbers in all areas of our lives. Why? Because knowing our numbers empowers us. Our “knowing” allows us to make better decisions for ourselves and our family, whether those decisions are about what foods are best for our bodies or how much money we need to make our lives work. When we stand in our place of “knowing,” we have the power to change our lives and those numbers. Through changing some of our money behaviors, we can make the numbers go up, down, or stay the same, customizing our lifestyle choices with our unique money number to make life work.

A beginning way to get to know how much money will make our lives work, is to begin tracking the flow of money that moves through our lives daily. This means tracking all of our expenses and our income.  Tracking can become a ritual that helps us to step into clarity about our cash flow as well help us examine what values we are funding through our cash flow.

Since 1992, I’ve been tracking my expenses and income and I can’t tell you how valuable this has been to me. This level of detail has helped me to look at expenses in very refined ways, bringing reflection to my spending behaviors…allowing me to dig deep into what tracking tells me that my eyes and brain would rather NOT look at. Tracking is a way of visual truth telling.

Not only is tracking a way of visual truth telling, our nervous system feels more relaxed and grounded when we track. Why? We feel more in control, regardless of our financial situation. There is something wonderful about looking at “what is,” as a first step in launching ourselves into a new money vision.

 

TOP TEN REASONS TO TRACK YOUR CASH FLOW:

1. Connection to your flow

2. Visual truth telling

3. A feeling of grounded-ness and sense of control

4. You will reach your financial goals faster

5. You will spend less b/c your brain can no longer trick your eyes about what they are seeing

6. Easily see where you leak money

7. Evaluate if the expense is worth the time it took to earn the money to purchase it

8. Analyze spending triggers

9. Can make you creatively and legally think about ways to earn more money

10. You owe it to yourself to be empowered and be in charge of your money life…knowing helps you step into your birthright of abundance!

 

NOW GO TRACK! XXXX

P.S. When I track…because the act of tracking can be boring at times…bring sensory delight to this activity. Light a candle, play your favorite music, have refreshing lemon water at your side, give yourself a non-monetary reward after you track your numbers!

 

 

 

 

THE SHIFT TO ENOUGH-NESS

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SHIFTING to “ENOUGH-NESS”

 

dreamstime_s_30139347(Please read Part A of this blog, MONEY AND THE ROOT CHAKRA by CLICKING HERE. Then, this part B will make more sense)

If we aren’t experiencing the spiritual fulfillment of “enough,” in our lives, the question then becomes, “What is necessary in supporting the energy shift in the body from a space of “not enough,” to “enough?”

It is important to remember this is NOT a cognitive process. It is a body process. Cognitive processes are intellectual, body process are experiential.

Our body experiences life through our senses, which in turn influences our nervous system. When our nervous system interprets experiences as nourishing and life sustaining, we begin to lay down new wiring…shifting from “not enough” to “enough.” When our root chakra is re-wired, money, as well as other forms of abundance begin to show up in our physical world and these forms have sticking power. Inner work creates outer results.

 

THE TOOL OF IMAGERY

Using imagery is one method of creating the shift to “enough-ness.” Why? Images are mental pictures that create a new experience in our bodies in the way of feelings. Imagery lays the ground-work for “what can be created.” If we can get comfortable in our bodies with imagining what “enough” feels like, we can begin to create an experience of “enough” for ourselves in our physical world. Imagery can help us move through our fear. In the book, The Science of Getting Rich, author Wallace Wattles tells us, “The Creative Power within us makes us into the image of that to which we give our attention.”

If we bathe ourselves in imagery that makes us feel good, then we begin to actually create chemical changes in our bodies. We move from pumping adrenaline (a survival hormone) to creating endorphins (a pleasure hormone). Imagery helps us to turn on our body’s internal pharmacy of good feelings, naturally.

 

FINANCING NEEDS FIRST, WANTS SECOND

Financing our true survival needs BEFORE anything else will also calm our nerve endings and give our body the experience of being taken care of. We can breathe more easily when we know the mortgage is paid, money is available for food on the table, gas to keep our cars running and our health care needs are met.

Happiness studies have actually shown that once our survival needs are met, more money doesn’t necessarily make us happier.

 

ENERGY and BODY WORK

Energy and body work is foundational work to support us in re-connecting with our core. Working with my breath in yoga has taken me to deep core places…and in these places I’ve uncovered lots of stuff getting in my own way of “receiving enough in.” As I’ve been able to open to more receiving in my own life, I find the quality of my breath change. My exhale is getting as long as my inhale. I am with-holding less. I find I can chant with greater volume and more depth. Constrictions are released.

Besides yoga, there are other forms of energy work. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) founded by Gary Craig is aimed at bringing equilibrium to energy disruptions in the body.

You can explore what energy and body work feels right for you. There is much to pick from.

 

TALKING TO OURSELVES IN THE SPIRIT OF LOVE and COMPASSION

Tending to our thoughts is important (what we say when we talk to ourselves). Root chakra affirmations can be: “It is safe for me to be here.” “I love the wisdom of my body and trust it.” “I am learning to feel the energy of love and support in the cells of my being.” “I choose relationships that give love freely.” “I am the creator of my own experience today.”

 

TAKING A SEAT AT THE TABLE OF OUR OWN LIFE

For us women, we give up our seats at the table of life fairly easily, in order for others to have before we have. Placing our needs and desires equal to that of others is a first step in giving ourselves the experience of “enough.”

It is in my fifth decade where I am now comfortable placing my needs and desires before that of others. I am into equal energy exchanges in all areas of my life. I no longer have the desire or bandwidth to give more than I receive today. I no longer allow my Catholic upbringing and negative emotions, like guilt, to come between me and the choices I know are best for me.

Creating enough for yourself financially, may look like fully funding your retirement account over fully funding your children’s education. It may mean funding something near and dear to your heart over the “want” of another. We need to begin to take our seat at The Table of Our Lives, using money as tool, to fund first our basic wants and our deepest desires.

 

CONNECTING WITH NATURE

Spending time in nature is my favorite way of creating an experience of “enough” in my body. Nature continually gives us overflowing bountiful sensory experiences and fills us up from the inside out. Beauty is everywhere. There is no experience of lack in nature. One daisy doesn’t have 4 petals while the rest have 16 petals. For all that exists, there is fully enough with equal beauty. Nature shows us that abundance is everywhere.

Connecting with nature through hiking is something I’ve enjoyed for years. Hiking with friends, sweating, while sharing our deepest heartfelt joys and sorrows with one another fills me up spiritually. For me, nature symbolizes and helps me internalize the sacred connectedness we all have with one another. When hanging out in nature, I feel more connected to myself, to others and to God. This feeling of connection gives me strength and a deep knowing that whatever is going on in my life, I have support and love…a soulful feeling of enough.

 

BEING GRATEFUL FOR WHAT IS

One year at my husband’s Tai Chi Retreat, his teacher taught us a “kindergarten gratitude” exercise for adults. Here’s how it goes: Close your hands into fists and raise them above your head. Think of things you are grateful for and as you do, release one digit for each thought of gratitude, until your hands are out-stretched in the air above your head!

That was about ten years ago and I am still doing this exercise daily. Over time, I have actually felt the change in my body’s chemistry. I used to be a complainer and focus on the negative. Truly, this simple little exercise has changed my life and my body’s chemistry.

What we focus on multiples. There is a spiritual shift happening regarding the American dream. Where the focus used to be on “more, better, bigger,” the shift is to be thankful for what you have and to live life in this space. This is a big spiritual shift.

 

INVITING MONEY to STICK AROUND in our ORBIT

Think about how good it could feel to invite “money” into your life in a more intimate way, like you would a good  friend. Get closer with your money. Think “hug” energy. Play with cushioning your bank accounts with money. To start with, begin creating a cushion of enough in your checking account and then other accounts. This shifts you from “living on the edge,” pumping adrenaline, to having room to breathe and relax more around money. Imagine money having the sticking power of velcro rather than the sticking power of a post-it when it comes to hanging out with you in your accounts.

 

THE EXPERIENCE OF ENOUGH AS SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT

Spiritual fulfillment is an inside process. When I tune into the core of my being, listen deeply to body wisdom, and create experiences of “enough” in my life, I feel spiritually fulfilled. This is a sacred place and space. Money can’t buy it. We spend less when living in this space because our experience is one of fullness rather than emptiness. Once had and reclaimed, no one can take it away. It is my inner divine light and your inner divine light that brings peace and a sense of well-being to the core of our being.

 

 

MONEY AND THE ROOT CHAKRA

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MONEY AND THE ROOT CHAKRA

 

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-image-root-chakra-image8589261

Many of my clients come to me…as high earners…with a feeling of “never having enough money.” It doesn’t matter how much they earn, they always feel they don’t have enough. If this sounds familiar, please keep reading. This blog post is for you.

With clients experiencing “not enough,” in spite of earning well over 100K  (not including large bonuses), I often ask these clients to begin to create images of what “enough” would look like in their lives. When I hear, “that scares me,” “I’m afraid”, “I don’t feel it is OK to want more,” or this invitation brings forth great emotion” my experience knows there is often an issue at the root chakra.

The root chakra is one of the seven centers of spiritual energy in the human body according to yoga philosophy. This particular chakra is about support and represents our most basic of physical needs, that of food, clothing, shelter and other basic needs for survival. When energy is blocked in this chakra, issues of safety, trust and a denial of a basic self right to have and to be are present.

Blocks in this chakra are aligned with a core belief, that love or a part of oneself will be rejected if “MORE” of any form of abundance is allowed in. Money is one form of abundance, as is relationship, living on purpose, new opportunities, health and love.

Please understand it is at this base level, at the core of our being, where the spiritual energy of “not enough” lives. This energy lives in the cellular memory of the body’s experiences and is expressed in the feeling of deprivation, lack, or scarcity.

How did this cellular experience come into being? Usually from early trauma, neglect or basic needs not being met early in our development. We weren’t nourished in ways we needed to be nourished. Each of us has our own story around this (I certainly know the story I’ve carried for years).

The stories we hold to be true about “not enough,” at the cellular level, are linked to limiting beliefs at the cognitive level. Here are some examples of Root Chakra beliefs contributing to “lack.”

 

EXAMPLES OF LIMITING ROOT CHAKRA BELIEFS

(these aren’t rational. they usually live in our blind-spot. that’s why we may not be aware of them)

“If I have more money I won’t be loved.”
“My family outcasts friends and people who appear to have more money than they do.”
“If I earn more than my husband, he will find another partner because money means manliness to him”
“If I have more money, I will be abandoned.”
“If I have more money, someone will take it away from me.”
“Whatever I create will be taken from me anyway.”

These internalized beliefs from long ago, that truly don’t belong to us, were given to us as hand-me-downs from other,s and we have lovingly taken care of them for much of our lives.

Earning more money won’t fix the experience of deprivation in the physical world. Because what will happen is that when more money comes in, limiting beliefs will place a teflon coating on the new earned money and it will go right back out of the orbit that it is trying so hard to come into. Why? Because MORE money will begin to create an experience of enough. And, the core energy in our body is telling us it isn’t safe to bring in more. Something bad will happen. So our behaviors (ways of thinking, doing and feeling) find ways to keep the FEELING “of being broke” alive…while keeping the experience of “MORE or ENOUGH” out of our orbit.

This is sometimes why people spend more than they earn. Our money choices are supporting the current wiring of “not enough.” It is a reason why we spend money on season tickets for the Giants and say we can’t afford healthcare…or spend money on hobbies and entertainment while struggling to pay the rent. When we make money choices that keep us living in the RED (a place of deficit in our bank accounts and bodies) we are re-creating the “not enough” experience that keeps us living in survival mode.

IF this blog post resonates with you, I invite you to KEEP IN TOUCH a couple of ways here.

(1) Drop me a note and let me know if I can support you and help you shift out of the “not enough” space into “enough.”

(2) Stay TUNED for next week’s post on how to begin creating this shift.

Here’s to YOUR “enough-ness!”

THE POWER OF A MONEY DIALOGUE

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THE POWER OF A MONEY DIALOGUE

 

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photo-girl-looking-web-image20937990

Spiders are everywhere right now and cobwebs I take down one day are built in the same place the following day (those busy little spiders). Some days, I walk right into the web and get my face all twisted up trying to get the sticky web off of me. Oooooh!

Well, the truth be known, I have a similar experience with some of my thinking around money. One day, I think I got the cobwebs all cleaned up in my thinking and the next day, voila…they are there to greet me again.

Well, I’d like to stop getting caught in one particular web of my thinking about earning money. The thinking goes like this, “You got to work hard to earn money.” REALLY? Well, this is a re-occuring web cluttering up my brain and the cells of my body. My “emotional” center believes this even though my brain KNOWS it’s not true. So how do I “un-root” this belief?

Two things are helping me to unroot this belief. One, is I recently did a wonderful “couples and money” training with Olivia Mellan, a true pioneer in MONEY THERAPY. In my training, Olivia introduced me to “money dialogues,”  which is on page 98 of her book, Money Harmony. I thought “hmmmm,” that’s interesting. I have dialogues going on in my head all the time. Well, it is a VERY different process to actually take pen to paper and write the dialogue out…than to be mentally aware the dialogues are going on.

So, here’s to transparency with you, my reader. Just because I’m a money consultant doesn’t mean I have it all figured out. It just means I am constantly working on resolving my own money conflicts, helping others to do the same and celebrating breakthroughs!

 

DENISE’S MONEY DIALOGUE

About the belief, “You got to work hard to earn money.”

Money:

Why do you think you have to work so hard to have me?

Denise:

It is what I’ve only known to be true about you. That you come through hard work and I don’t want to work harder. I am 55 and want you to come to me differently now. I want you to come effortlessly.

Money:  

I am easier than you think. All you have to do is to ASK for me more. Invite me in. Get the “hard” out of your mindset. Think “FLOW” like a river NOT “HARD” like a rock. I like it better that way too.

Denise:

You think you are so smart!

Money:

I am smart, so are you. I am here right at your door…now open it with ease

Mom:

What you are saying doesn’t make sense to me.

Dad:

No words, just a shake of his head with disapproval.

Universe:  

They (your parents) don’t know me like you do. You KNOW my true nature. They told you lies about me they believed were true. Let the lies go. Now you know me and we can do our own thing…our new song is “flow flow flow!” Stay open to  receiving Denise.

 

One of the gifts of this dialogue for me, is I’ve taken the wisdom from it and started applying it to my life. I made a vision board of “FLOW.” I am ASKING the Universe to support me in creating my new financial vision.  I am consciously bringing forth a different energy to “earning,” an energy of invitation, softness and open-ness. I FEEL this shift in my body. My nervous system has taken a deep inhale and a full exhale. You can do the same, apply the wisdom from your own money dialogue to your life if you choose. In case you wanted an abbreviated process of Olivia’s money dialogue exercise, it is below.

 

OLIVIA MELLAN’S MONEY DIALOGUE (short version)

1. Pretend MONEY is a person. You start or have money start the conversation, whatever feels right for you. Dialogue on a specific part of your relationship. Allow what comes forth to flow and to surprise you. This conversation doesn’t have to be rational.

2. Have your mother’s voice comment on your dialogue. One sentence is good.

3. Have your father comment on your dialogue.

4. Have any other powerful influences comment on your dialogue.

5. Have God, your higher power, the Universe, or your highest self comment on the dialogue.

6. With soft non-judgemental eyes and an open warm heart, read your dialogue out loud to yourself and see if any new awarenesses come into being for you. They did for me.

 

Second, my business mentor, Michelle Pippin has been supporting me in moving from a “time based” model of earning to a “value based,” model of earning. This has been a BIG shift I’ve wanted to make for about three years and just didn’t know how to do it. Michelle supported me through the thinking of it as well as showed me how it could work (I needed BOTH). I am happy to say the shift is in process! In the last two months, I’ve shifted all of my new clients to a value based model. I am breathing easier. I feel great about it and it FEELS effortless! Olivia and Michelle’s support helped me to breakthrough the belief I was holding…”you got to work hard to earn money.”

See if having a money dialogue will help you to breakthrough the often conflicting internal voices many of us have in our own head. Explore the wisdom that comes forth when you invite in your highest self, the voice of God or your higher power.

OK, on to “receiving” the blessings here! Thank you Olivia! Thank you Michelle! And, thanks to me for being willing to have a breakthrough!

P.S. MONEY DIALOGUES have now been added to other tools I share with clients to uncover their money beliefs!

MONEY MAGAZINE INTERVIEW

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MONEY MAGAZINE INTERVIEW

MM: How would you respond to our reader who asks, “How do I get a loan back from my sister who bought a pedigree dog after I lent her $800?

DH: I’d like to back up a bit. Before any money changes hands, it is the responsibility of the lending sibling to set the payback parameters of the loan amount (just like the bank does). This includes “what the money will be used for,” if that is important.

So, if no boundaries were set up front, no clear communication, this is a set up for “silent expectations,” which can be disastrous when it comes to money and family relationships. Silent expectations pave the path to broken agreements, eroded trust and relationship resentment.

This can be a learning experience for both siblings. They need to talk it out, share how they feel, move forward, and do it differently in the future.

Done right, family loans don’t have to hurt finances or relationships. When boundaries are set and agreements are honored, what can unfold is a “clean” transaction both financially and emotionally!

 

WOMEN and MONEY | ONE OF OUR LONGEST MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIPS

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WOMEN and MONEY | ONE OF OUR LONGEST AND MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIPS

red nails + walletI think you would agree… even though it’s not a human relationship, the relationship between women and money is lifelong (first it buys us toys and then it buys us long term care). While we can divorce our partners, become widowed or end relationships that no longer serve us…money hangs with us through thick and thin and is a medium we engage with daily.

Like any relationship, the one between women and money, has it’s complexities. As we work through our fears, struggles and pain with money, we have the opportunity to step into a space of personal power, freedom, and security. In my own life, I’ve found working through my projections, fears and scarcity mentality about money has brought me to a space of emotional and financial freedom (regardless of the amount of money I have in my bank account).

I’m going to “think out loud” with you about WHY it is important for us women to have a healthy relationship with money. I invite you to post your “think out loud” thoughts with me here in the comments below.

 

We make better decisions

We make better decisions for ourselves and our family when we have our money handled. We don’t have to sacrifice our values and emotional health while staying in relationships or career situations just for the money. I think all women can relate to this…earning our worth and learning smart money management skills keeps us in a place of personal power and keeps our emotional health front and center. The bottom line is we have MORE freedom, more choice and make better decisions for ourselves and our family.

I learned first hand from my mom how important it was to be able to stand on my own two feet financially. She always told me, “you never know what life will bring your way, go to school, build a career and always bring in your own money so that if anything happens you can always stand on your own two feet.” My mom was “asked” to leave her corporate job when she was pregnant with me. She was told, “women can’t be dependable at work if they have children (it was a different time).” Over time, she became dependent on my dad’s earnings and in some way, this crimped my mom’s experience of freedom for herself and her family.

 

We create smoother transitions for ourselves

We open ourselves to creating smoother life transitions when we are financially smart.  Whether it’s getting married, having children, going to school, getting divorced, unexpected illness, moving through loss of a spouse or parent…all transitions require emotional energy. Personally, I find it comforting to know that I can fully direct my emotional energy to a transition rather than split my energy with financial worries. Transitions can be stressful enough without the added worry about “do I have enough money to make it through this the way I want to?”

Money in the bank gives me breathing space, time to process, play with possibilities about how I’m going to move forward in the transition presenting itself to me. I think that is one reason why I am a good saver. I save to take care of my future self because I know she has high freedom needs.

 

 We can give more

We can give more and give longer when we first create a stable financial base for ourselves. Women are givers. We want to help our children out with school. We want to help our parents out. We like to give to causes and charities to make the world a better place. If we establish a solid financial base for ourselves, we can continue to give throughout our lives without jeapardizing our well-being over the long term. It goes back to that old airline saying, we need to put our own oxygen mask on first.

By not taking care of our own financial situation first, we make ourselves vulnerable, limit choices for our well-being in the longer term. I don’t think any of us want to create a situation where we depend on our children in our later years or county services, but this is exactly what we create when we don’t put ourselves first. I can’t emphasize strongly enough,  that caring for ourselves FIRST financially is a NEED and that comes before taking care of another’s WANTS.

Honestly, this isn’t a lesson that’s come easy to me. Just now in my 50’s, I’m learning how to “receive” and feel good about it.  I’m learning how to wisely “spend” my time, energy and money while evaluating the rate of return with each of these energies. Marie Nemeth’s book, Mastering Life’s Energies has been a Godsend for me to help me in this area.

 

We can be more creative

We can spend more of our brain space on higher level activities…like creativity,  our passion and soul filled next steps and manifesting dreams. When our brain space is occupied with how we are going to pay our mortgage or meet our monthly bills…our energy and brain space get taken up with these lower level survivor needs…and we have less energy and brain space to create with. It all goes back to Maslow’s heirarchy of needs…certain needs have to be met first (survival needs) before we can move up the pyramid to higher level ways of being in the world.

I remember with clarity how it felt when my husband and I were in 60K of debt, when our bills became debts, and when the tension was so thick between us “over money.” I am glad those days are gone, yet my nervous system can recall them with great clarity. This was not a time, where I had energy to dream because I was in survival mode. It took lots of work to dig ourselves out of this space and it is not one I ever want to go back to.

 

Think out loud with me about Women and Money, a relationship worth investing in for now and our future selves!

 

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